Hi, I am the Foolish Philosopher and today I have something particularly foolish for you. It is a philosophy regarding raising children. What if as a parent or caregiver you make your primary objective to make your child nice. Humans and that includes children are created from a mixture of biological and cultural forces. I would argue competition is a potent biological motivation driving the behaviour of any child. The nature of this competitive urge is determined via cultural influences. This could be derived from both society in general or the specific family unit. A child may wish to compete at tennis, mathematics or computer games for example. Research has shown reward is a far superior motivator to punishment. Dr Eveline Crone’s 2008 study shows this is particularly true of children below the age of 12. An effective way to shape a child’s behaviour is to utilise their natural motivational systems like competition and apply reward for desired behaviour. What if you provided outrageous reward for altruistic behaviour. I am personally fascinated by altruism which is defined as selfless concern for the well-being of others. What if your basic Child rearing philosophy was to create young altruistic individuals using natural competitive urges. Reward was only provided for doing nice things like caring for others, being kind, listening to people and putting others before yourself. Returning to our example this wouldn't be to deprive the child of the chance to play tennis, instead rewarding the child for altruistic behaviour on the tennis court, in favour of rewarding the child for winning or demonstrating talent.
At this point you may be thinking this is a recipe for creating people very open to manipulation by individuals with more selfish agendas. Here is an example why I beg to differ. I know a particular individual, I am going to change his name to Ronald for the purpose of this example, and my wife and I have described him as the nicest guy you would ever be likely to meet. My wife even put this assertion to his wife. You may expect her response to be along the lines of “Oh he has his moments” instead she confided “I know, I even take advantage of it myself. After dinner I often think if I wait 1 more minute Ronald will get up and do the washing up” The truth is she is also a wonderful human being with a similar philosophy and altruistic nature. Is it a coincidence Ronald was successful in attracting such a wonderful life partner? I would say not. Is it a coincidence Ronald’s face is never devoid of a smile? I would say not. Is it a coincidence Ronald is universally liked, respected, admired and even successful. I would say not.
The cognitive trade off theory; a theory which focuses on a possible explanation to the adaptive cognitive development of chimpanzees comparative to our species implies human kind’s greatest achievement is socialisation. It is the ability to work together, communicate and share in order to overcome life’s obstacles. This continued collaboration lead to the development of language, symbols and all our impressive technologies. Why wouldn’t this continue to scale in modern society? Do competitive, individualistic goals promote egocentricity, narcissism and loneliness? Do altruistic community based goals promote collaboration, self esteem, well being and happiness? What if the most effective strategy to improve one’s personal situation is to look out for everyone other than number 1. My assertion is selfishness may promote short term success but altruism is a framework suiting long term in fact life long success. Teaching your child to place the needs of others before their own will make people like them, want to be around them and most importantly offer them opportunities.
Looking at a child’s development from the perspective of cultural influence, the early and formative years are overwhelmingly dominated by parental direction. This allows opportunity to instil a strong desire to serve others using a reward system. Imagine being able to utter this sentence, “because you were so considerate of Mummy’s feelings you can now, as a reward do something nice for daddy”. As the child ages general society will become an increasingly greater
Influence upon your child. This will undoubtedly offer challenges but it will also offer opportunities to orientate the rewards offered by society from a less egocentric perspective. They will already be armed with the ability to understand the point of view of others. This is invaluable for long term life success.
Upon asking elderly people to identify regrets and things they may have done better. The answers always focus on connections with others and building relationships. What better gift could you give your child than imparting the wisdom of well travelled people whom have somewhat unravelled the mysteries and secrets of life.
“Nice guys finish last” is a catchphrase used to promote the benefits of selfish behaviour. I have an alternate perspective to this concept. Research studies including Michael J. Poulin’s five-year multi-institutional study demonstrates giving and unselfish behaviour not only helps others, but provides a positive health benefit by reducing stress, even prolonging the lives of the altruistic. Hence Nice guys finish last